56 / Day 1

It smelled like spring when I left work Friday night, and I was a bit early in my leaving so there was still a hint of leftover lighter blue sky, and it had that feel of spring coming on - you know, that first evening you walk out into a spring evening and know it isn't all that far away anymore - but of course, it is fall and it was just an autumn tease, when the temperatures head back into the high 70s and for a moment you forget it isn't spring, but only for a moment because within seconds the night is atop you and the smell is now that of Christmas around the corner, and you are driving in the dark, listening to the radio for a just a minute and then back into silence, saying your goodbyes to this false spring and this true summer because you always wait until the last second, and after all, you are wearing flipflops today. but you say your goodbyes halfheartedly and you pass by the orange walls of Sunshine Records, closed for the night; the doors to the next door blue boxing gym/arena open to the cooling evening air, but never mind, you are out to buy flowers, no time for remembering that the gym was once an ice cream shop when you were a little girl, and your memories of that are springtime and summer memories, a child's memories of times long past, you are busy now, you are an adult, there are deadlines to be met, commitments to be kept, and even those you want to keep, are more than happy to keep, seem overwhelming, this false spring putting you in the mood to just keep driving and see where you end up.

But you don't, you buy the flowers, you spend Saturday doing what must be done and then Sunday arrives, your birthday, a birthday full of cards and gifts and bracelets all arriving early, and you bought yourself lemon donuts yesterday, because you have long past the age where a cake is part of the celebration, and, besides, it is a day you know you must spend alone, so much still to do today, that deadline still looming, and it is okay, you were quite a beast yesterday, and feel sorry for anyone who had the misfortune to speak to you, and time alone feels okay, really it does, you tell yourself, but deep in your heart, when you are honest with yourself, you know that what you'd like is an impossible-to-do-at-this-time-of-year day off, two days off, to finish these photos you must finish, playing cat and mouse with the sun these past few weeks, waiting for light which has at last shown up - you'd really like that time off, and you'd really like a surprise bouquet of flowers at the door, and maybe a cake, a small celebration for you, it seems so little, but you know it won't come, that this work awaits, so you are up a bit early on a Sunday morning, just like the Sunday morning you were born, and you find this image from earlier in the season, Maggie in your lap, Katie checking her Facebook - a familiar scene, the tv is probably on and we were no doubt gossiping while watching an old movie. An out of focus phone shot, but a reminder of this year, of a good friend, of a much loved cat still with me.

So my birthday begins with yellow leaves falling from the trees - they are piling against the curb - and Maggie impatiently waiting for me to finish typing so she can jump in my lap, Vivien Leigh in black & white walking down a curved staircase on the television, and me wondering what I've learned this year, how I've changed, knowing first and foremost that I have learned, once again - it is always an awakening of an old knowledge - that grief takes its own path and nothing you do can change it or the speed it travels down that path. I have learned there are people out there who really like my art, and people who really like my writing. I have learned to be more honest, and I was pretty honest to begin with. It has been a tough year, one filled with loss and recognition, with changes everywhere I look, and I welcome its end, I welcome the beginning of 56, though, to be honest, I cried myself to sleep last night - 56! I sobbed! Ah well, 56 it is. Glad to see it, even the bad days. Day one - so far, so good. :)

work to do